It's all about me.

Ok. Just this one post.

I just need to get it out there. I am scared.

There I said it. Maybe it won't have so much power over me anymore.

I have to give the back story in order for my fears to make sense to others.. Back in December I went to the doctor for a stomach ache that just wouldn't go away. A couple days before christmas I had an ultra sound. A couple days after christmas my doctor contacted me to let me know I had a small mass on my right ovary and that was what was causing me pain. So I called an obgyn to make an appointment about how to proceed with treatment. On new years I was in so much pain that I almost went to the emergency room. A few days later I went to the obgyn and he told me that I had an 8cm cyst on my right ovary. 8cm?? That's about the size of a baseball!  Decidedly not small. It had to go.

I made a follow up appointment for another ultrasound with the obgyn. However, before I went in for the second ultra sound, I was in so much pain that I decided to go to the ER on January 13th . At the ER they did an ultrasound and found that the cyst had not grown any larger. They also discovered that I am allergic to morphine.Fun times. Surgery with my obgyn was scheduled for January 20th.
On January 20th I had surgery to remove the cyst on my ovary as well as my right ovary. I expected to wake up and know that I was going to be feeling better in just 6weeks. What I heard instead was that it wasn't a cyst on my ovary at all and I still had a very large mass in my abdomen. WHAT!? I was angry. Biopsies were done to determine what we were dealing with. The obgyn also measured my tumor while he was in there and it was determined to be almost 10cm.

The biopsies came back that I have a schwannoma tumor.  It's basically a benign tumor made up of schwann cells(part of the nervous system). The tumor sits behind my ovaries and is resting on, maybe even connected to, the base of my spine. Once the tumor was identified the hunt was on for a specialist to remove it. An oncologist in Boston was recommended to me. She doesn't think most of my symptoms are from the tumor but I am still hopeful that I will feel better once it is removed.
In eleven days- not including today- I go in to have surgery. Again. I am scared. I wasn't scared the first time around. I was so happy that I would actually be out of pain once I healed from surgery. This surgery I have had plenty of time to think about. And worry about. I know I will be fine. I like my doctor and she is good at what she does. I will be in the hospital for a maximum of five days- not including the day of surgery.

I feel guilty too. My sister and her fiance are taking on full responsibility of my dogs while I am recovering. Again. I feel like I am abusing the kindness of my family. Like I am asking too much and not giving anything in return. I don't know how I can or will ever repay their generosity.

I need to take control of these emotions. I will be fine. And some how, some way I will find an appropriate way to show my thanks to my sister and her fiance.